HIGH SOCIETY IN HONG KONG
In October 1974 Sea Containers' third biennial worldwide agents' conference* was held at the Furama Hotel in Central Hong Kong Island.
It was the last such event that I attended before being offered the position of Far East Marketing Manager located in Hong Kong one year later. In a way it was fitting, therefore, that I should base the Christmas cabaret that year on the events in Hong Kong and the impact it had, and anticipated, on the future of the Company and its staff.
This was the most ambitious of all my cabarets and, in terms of its technical and artistic merit, the most accomplished. In retrospect, however, it was a big mistake. It appealed greatly, inevitably, to those who had participated in the conference - as witness the fact that Messrs. Tatham (Vice-president Shipping ), Stracey (Vice-president Finance), Tingle (General Manager, Engineering) and Large (M.D. Yorkshire Marine Containers), all agreed to play small parts as themselves. Rob Ward was compere. Andrew Lavey played Don Turner (Vice-president Marketing), and (in the absence of any volunteer for the role!) I played Jim Sherwood . Jeanne Stephens, Maggie Bortoli, Andrew Evans, Norman Daniels, Bernie Bird and John Witton represented Agents. And Anna Turner was our pianist.
But the vast majority of the audience (equally inevitably) failed to identify with the subject matter. Because, of course, they had not been invited to attend the conference in Hong Kong and this was - almost - like rubbing salt in open wounds. Okay, so that's a bit of an exaggeration; but it still seemed to some of them like a case of "have and have-nots", with the haves reprising the pleasures and excitement of a week spent at company expense in an exotic location.
Some sort of demonstration of the validity of this assumption was the fact that a very successful part of the cabaret was the performance of the parody on A Modern Major-General, which purported to pay tribute to the vast majority of SC personnel who did not attend the conference and, but for whose valiant efforts [sic], the conference could not have taken place. The song was greeted very enthusiastically, is repeated in the Alumni section of this website, and can be seen (and heard) here.
The musical theme of the cabaret was based on the musical score of Cole Porter's High Society. Thus, the opening number designed to "set the scene" of the conference was based on the calypso that opened the movie. It was performed by Andrew Lavey, Rob Ward and Joe Sinclair.
[Click here for a reminder of the music]
Tonight in Hong Kong we're full of glee,
We're all part of one great family,
But come tomorrow you'll hear our fears:
We've now got 40 footers coming our of our ears.
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference
(Get those depots cleared!)
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference.
The agents' contract's completely new,
There's something that we all have to do:
To get each agent relaxed on wine,
Then put the form before him and persuade him to sign.
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference
(Allievi's signed!)
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference.
The first three deckships are building here,
We'd see one if we could find the pier,
But Tatham's left with the only map,
So ask the nearest rickshaw driver, there's a good chap.
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference
(Get that barge afloat!)
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference.
We've come to Hong Kong to have some fun
Said Stracey, Scawn and O'Sullivan;
The salesmen may have come here to work,
But we control the purse strings and we're going to shirk.
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference
(No receivables)
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference.
There's stormy weather at times we're told,
Some agents brought their own brand of cold.
It seems we just missed typhoon Elaine,
But with Jim Sherwood here we're got our own hurricane.
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference
(Brewing up a storm)
In Hong Kong, oh Hong Kong, Hong Kong Conference.
* The previous two conferences had been held in Lisbon (1970) and Venice (1972)
After a number of sketches, we turned our attention to the latest Sea Containers innovation being produced at our own factory in Beverley, Yorkshire - the collapsible, and Rob Ward bravely sang the following words to the tune of Cole Porter's You're Sensational:
Have you heard,
From Beverley has come the latest word
Which is "collapsible"?
And did you know
This is the umpteenth time we've had a go
At a collapsible
[Click on thumbnail to reveal the full-size picture]
To make a start
Is quite an art,
If you undo
Just one wrong screw
It falls apart.
But if one day
Y.M.C.L. succeeds to make it stay
Erect, we'll say
That the collapsible's sensational
That's all, that's all, that's all.
Following this number, it was now time for Crane Division to come under fire from the three troubadors: Lavey, Ward and Sinclair. This number was somewhat obviously based on the New Fangled Tango that is famously associated with that great songstress Lena Horne. You can watch and hear her performance on You Tube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0MPmqQVats along with the following words:
Take our new-fangled Tango,
There's just nothing to it,
If you should employ one,
You may live to rue it,
They build it in Ireland
'midst bomb, blast and bang-o,
And that's why we call it
A most dangerous Tango.
It gets built in no time
From starting to show time;
If you want a go at it,
Just take a kit - meccano kit.
And if you can't life 'er,
Then try with a Shifter,
And you'll be no stranger
To danger.
There's always a ruction
When we start construction,
The workers are funny,
They want danger money;
But we've got the answer,
A young strip-tease dancer,
Complete with directions
For starting erections.
So agents go to it,
We know you can do it,
In each port where there's a train
Just lease a crane - a Tango crane.
You'll get no commission,
Except for permission
To just gain the treasure
Of pleassure.
Take out new-fangled Tango,
It's just made for leasing.
In Spain and Oporto
Our agents were taught so;
It''s not that much trouble,
In six months it's rubble,
Then you can again go
And lease a new Tango.
It would have been nice to have located the music (a midi) for the Cole Porter number I Love You Samantha, but alas . . . However, as a special treat you can download the You Tube original version (Louis Armstrong and Bing Crosby) here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vj-LzN4M1Ik
after which you can see the new words that the "agents" in the cabaret sang.
We love you, Jim Sherwood,
And our love will never die;
We'll fight like Ben Hur would
Just for S.C.I.
Remember, Jim Sherwood,
We're right by your side,
And like Quentin Durward
May you long preside.
Yes, we'll lease night and day
For the pittance you pay,
You can be sure we'll stay
Ever true.
Jim Sherwood, Oh, Jim Sherwood,
We'll all lease for you.
Our take on the "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" number was performed by Sinclair (aka JBS) and Lavey with appropriate paraphrasing of the original lyrics and being addressed to the SC agents:
Who wants to be a millionaire?
I do.
And have an office in Mayfair?
I do.
Who wants to buy himself an enormous yacht?
An enormous yacht is something I've got.
Who wants to lease to Hapag Lloyd?
I do.
And see his rivals all destroyed?
I do.
Who wants to end on top of the heap?
I do. Yes I do, so I depend on you.
Who wants to be a millionaire?
I do.
And have this biennial affair?
I do.
Who wants to see the other lessors all foiled?
My Strider class ships should coicle the woild.
Who wants to drink in the best bars?
I do.
And lease his boxes to the stars?
I do.
Who wants to head the best lessor lists?
I do. Yes I do, so I depend on you.
At this point, two of the agents, purporting to be the Japanese and the Italian agents (played by John Witton and Jeanne Stephens), come up with a crafty plan to solve their overstock problems and describe this to the melody of "True Love":
If you give to me, and I give to you,
Five percent, five percent,
That that would be, as you must agree,
Intelligent, intelligent.
For you and I are both S.C. agents
United by the same box,
So I lease through you, and you lease through me,
All our idle stocks.
A last item, before the finale (comprising the Modern Major General amongst others) performed by the entire cast, was based on the High Society "Well Did You Evah" and was a duet between Ward and Sinclair performing as themselves. It's somewhat too fragmented to bear repetition here, but some of the asides may, perhaps, be repeated:
Have you heard Jim spill the beans,
We've leased a crane to the Phillipines.
And have you heard it's in the stars,
Next July we shall lease to Mars?
Have you heard about de Berc
Got run over in old Dunkirk.
(Don't worry. He's a game chap you know. Got right up and leased a Tango!)
Have you heard that Robert Kulp
Lost six tanks of tomato pulp.
(Think they'll ketchup with him?)
(Only with Heinz sight.)
Have you heard that Bernie Bird
Is often shaken, but never stirred.
(That's the Pan-Am way, you know.)
And have you heard that Somerwill
Gave himself a peculiar thrill.
(Poor fellow stepped on a loose computer lead.)
And have you heard Jim Sherwood's plan,
The next affair will be in San Fran.
(Do you mean Frisco? We mean Frisco!)
Well did you evah,
What a swell conference, a swell conference,
A swelegant, elegant conference this was!