SPOT ON

THINKING YOURSELF BETTER

[From the casebook of Doctor Spot, Emeritus Professor of Urinology, University of Yankers]

[Case #73. Ivor Payne. Transcript of tape recording, Friday 2 November, 19—]

DS: You realise of course Ivor, that it's all in the mind?

IP (belligerently): If it's all in the mind, why does it hurt in my arse?

DS: Ivor. You are describing the symptom. I am defining the dilemma.

IP: I don't understand.

DS: Okay. Let me explain. When you first came to see me you said you had been to see your GP, right?

IP: Right.

DS: And your GP could find nothing wrong with you. True?

IP: True.

DS: And he recommended a specialist who gave you a thorough examination. And he also found nothing wrong with you, no?

IP: No. I mean, yes. I mean, no.

DS: You see, Ivor? You see? You do not have a pain in the arse. You only think you have a pain in the arse. Your pain is in your mind. You are locating it in your arse to give yourself a message.

IP: What do you mean, a message? What message?

DS: The message that you are a pain in the arse. A pain in the arse to yourself. And if you don't start taking my advice, you'll become a pain in the arse to me!

IP: What's your advice then, Dr. Spot?

DS: First of all: pay my bills! If a thing don't cost, it's not valued. If it's not valued, it's worthless. So who's going to take worthless advice?

IP: Oy!

DS: What is it now?

IP: My arse is suddenly hurting again! Quick! Give me some more advice.

DS: Right. When you leave here I want you to do some things. I want you to write some things down. And while you've got your pen out, first write a cheque -

IP: Enough. Enough already with the cheque.

DS: So listen up. And stop grimacing. You write down the answers to the following. One: when did you first notice the pain? Two: has it always been of the same intensity? Three: can you associate any fluctuations in intensity with any particular incident or time? Next: do you suffer from bouts of gloom and depression? Next (what number is that? Never mind!): does the pain come, and is it worse or better, when you are feeling depressed, or when you are feeling cheerful?

IP: But I can answer all those question now . . .

DS: Forget it. Just think about them at home, and write the answers down. I want you to really think about them. Imagine you're a member of a club. The other members are all those other people you surely know, who are always complaining to you about their pains. You all have pains somewhere. Imagine yourself describing your pain to the other members. And imagine what they might be saying to you about their pains.

IP: And then . . .?

DS: And then, think about what advice you would give the others, and try it on for size yourself. Ask yourself: is my pain actually good for me? Is it my best choice at the present time? Is it helping me to avoid something? Or is it trying to teach me something? What benefits would I gain if I lost my pain; and what other problems might I have if I lost it?

IP: And then . . .?

DS: Then come back again next week. Same time. And let me know what you have learned about your pain, and about yourself.

[Sound of door opening]

DS:And don't forget the cheque.

[Case #73. Ivor Payne. Transcript of tape recording, Friday 9 November, 19 --]

IP: That was good advice you gave me last week, Dr. Spot.

DS: So. . . the pain is gone?

IP: Well, yes and no. First I learned some things from those nogoodnick members of my club. They think that because they've paid their dues, they've got to keep on suffering the pain. If they let themselves get better, then the entrance fee money has been wasted!

DS: What entrance fee money?

IP: I'm surprised you can ask that question, doctor. You are the one who told me about it. If a thing don't cost it's not valued. So, if I'm going to invest in a pain, the least I can do is value it. And if I value it, why should I lose it? Maybe there's some way I can enjoy keeping it.

DS: Ivor, I think you didn't understand me.

IR: Oh yes. I'm sure I did. I decided to look at my pain as an investment. Why, I asked myself, do I only get my pain at certain times? Like when I come to visit you.

DS: And the answer?

IP: Because I know it's going to cost me money. And that's a real pain in the arse. So I've got rid of it. I've "reframed" it like you told me once. Instead of having a pain in the arse because I think I should be paying you, instead I've given myself a pain in the pipik - but it's giving me a pleasant message.

DS: What sort of message?

IP: It's reminding me that by not paying you, I'm shafting you! Dr Spot. Why are you looking like that?

DS: I've got this sudden twinge in the arse . .