YOUR HUMBLE INVESTIGATOR

A thirty-minute comedy series for television

Episode One: CHASE THE ACE

CHARACTERS:

HORACE HUMBLE

    Early forties.  A bumbling, absent-minded private investigator

MRS. PARSNIP

    A blowsy, cockney charwoman

PERCY PARSNIP

    Mrs Parsnip's acned teenage son

ALF MCMURROW

    The "Ace" of the title.  A jewel thief with a Brooklyn accent straight out of the East End of London

FIRST CID OFFICER

SECOND CID OFFICER

    CID officers by Gilbert out of Sullivan

POLICE SERGEANT

ANNOUNCER

FADE IN.  Film clip.  London.  Day.  We see various aspects of a London policeman's life.  Traffic control; a constable on his beat trying the doors of a locked warehouse; a squad car, a message being taken over a walkie-talkie.

VOICE OVER: ANNOUNCER: London, capital city of the United Kingdom, temporal capital of the commonwealth [WE SEE BUCKINGHAM PALACE] through the loosest, yet most effectively resilient tie: the British monarchy; home of ten million people.  It would be more than one could hope that a city with a history such as London's, a tradition such as London's, and institutions such as London's [WE SEE THE BANK OF ENGLAND], crime should not exist.  But we are fortunate in possessing one of the most highly trained, efficient and disciplined police forces in the world to combat crime.  Twenty four hours a day these men are on duty to protect us, our homes, our possessions, our lives.  Through the echelons of command the same efficiency runs.  Outward through the radial arms of police authority spreads the highly disciplined force of law and order.  The nerve centre is New Scotland Yard [FILM CLIP OF SCOTLAND YARD, INSIDE AND OUT], where a watch is maintained day and night [WE SEE SOMEONE DIALING 999 - CUT TO POLICE SWITCHBOARD] to ensure that justice and law shall triumph and that crime shall not pay.

[THROUGHOUT THE FOREGOING THE ANNOUNCER HAS BEEN SPEAKING LOUDLY, PROUDLY, HIS VOICE RESONATING.  NOW HIS VOICE CHANGES MINIMALLY, BECOMING SOFTER, QUIETER]  This is the recognised authority - the established command.  But what about those others, those quiet, unheralded and unsung individuals who work in semi-obscurity, whom the public never sees  The private investigators.  Let us take a look at a typical day in the life of one of the more intrepid of such men - Horace Humble.

MIX TO: Interior.  Humble's office.  The inner room.  Day.  The room is sparsely furnished. A cupboard; a filing cabinet; a desk; two chairs, one behind the desk, the other, in a corner, is piled high with a miscellany of objects.  Around the walls hang a collection of police accessories: handcuffs, a toy pistol, a truncheon, and a certificate evidencing that Horace Humble has graduated with honours from the "Sherlock Holmes School of Criminology - Correspondence Course".  Facing the desk is a door leading to the outer office; behind the desk is a window, partially open.

Horace Humble is seated at his desk, examining something microscopically small on the desktop with the daddy of all magnifying glasses.  He is a gentle-looking, mild-mannered, bespectacled man in his early forties.  He moves the glass around, seemingly following an object around the desk.  He is grunting softly to himself and, after a moment, gets up, the better to pursue the unknown quarry.  CAMERA TRACKS BACK slightly to follow his movement and takes in the office door which is seen to open slightly.  A head appears around the door, to be followed almost immediately by the body of Mrs Parsnip, the middle-aged blowsy charwoman who is carrying a feather duster.  She pauses just inside the door, gazing at Humble with an expression of awed and reverent astonishment.

HUMBLE:  [Suddenly and loudly] Eureka!

MRS PARSNIP: [Startled.  Dropping the duster] Coo, Mr 'umble.  You did give me a turn.

HUMBLE: Nothing to worry about Mrs Parsnip . . .  Geriatus gronopolis.

MRS PARSNIP: Pardon?

HUMBLE:  Geriatus gronopolis . . . flea.

MRS PARSNIP [Retrieving her duster - a shocked expression on her face.]: Fleas!  In my office!  Never!  What an insult!

HUMBLE: On the contrary, Mrs. P.  You should be proud.  The species gronopol is never found this far north.  We have made history.

MRS PARSNIP: [She sniffs in disbelief]  I clean this room every day.  I don't believe it.  Give us a look.

[SHE CROSSES TO THE DESK AND HUMBLE HANDS HER THE MAGNIFYING GLASS]

HUMBLE: Do be careful, Mrs P. We don't want to frighten it away.

[MRS PARSNIP BENDS OVER THE DESK, PEERING THROUGH THE GLASS, THEN STRAIGHTENS UP WITH EVIDENT DISDAIN]

MRS PARSNIP: Cor, Mr 'umble, you're 'aving me on.  It's only a bit of cigarette ash.

HUMBLE: No, no, Mrs Parsnip, it's Geriatus gronopolis.  I saw it move.

MRS PARSNIP [Crossing to the window and closing it]: That was the draught.

HUMBLE: [Bending anew over desk]: Hmmm.   [He puts the magnifying glass down and sits again.  Mrs Parsnip flicks the ash from the desk with her duster]: Now, Mrs. P, I hope you haven't come in here to do any dusting.  I may have an important client shortly..

MRS PARSNIP Oh no, Mr 'umble.   I wanted to ask you somthing.

HUMBLE: [Preening himself]: Aah, you want my professional advice?  Well, sit down, Mrs Parsnip, sit down.

[CAMERA PANS ROOM THROUGH MRS PARSNIP'S EYES, SHOWING THE ONLY OTHER CHAIR IN THE ROOM COVERED IN "STUFF".  MRS PARSNIP SNIFFS AND CONTINUES TO STAND]

MRS PARSNIP: It's not that exackly, Mr 'umble.   It's about my son Perce. 

HUMBLE: Aah yes, young master Percy Parsnip.  How is the dear child?  Cut any more teeth lately?

MRS PARSNIP:  Not lately, Mr 'umble.  He left school last week.

HUMBLE: Dear, dear.  And you think that may have had something to do with him stopping from cutting his teeth?.

MRS PARSNIP [Confused]: Oh, no. 'e stopped cutting his teeth a long time ago.

HUMBLE: [Picking up a pencil and toying with it]: I see . . . Really, though, I don't know how I can help you.  Shouldn't you take him to a doctor?

MRS PARSNIP [Alarmed]: A doctor?

HUMBLE: Well it must be difficult for the young chappie.  I mean, I don't suppose he can eat meat, or anything. 

MRS PARSNIP:  Eat meat?  Course 'e does!

HUMBLE: [A frown creases his brow for a moment.  Then he smiles.]: Hah, hah!  I've got it.  [He points the pencil at her with an air of discovery and pauses dramatically]:  You mince it for him!

MRS PARSNIP (Affronted): No I don't 

HUMBLE (Puzzled): Well really, Mrs Parsnip, I congratulate you, ha, ha.  You seem to be managing very nicely.  You don't seem to need my help at all.  [A thought suddenly hits him]   You've got him some false teeth!

MRS PARSNIP:  No, Mr 'umble . . . I . . . I . . . [She pauses, completely bewildered, on the edge of tears]

HUMBLE [Smugly]: Well, we solved that one pretty quickly, didn't we?  Now, is there anything else on your mind?.

MRS PARSNIP: Er no, er yes, er . . .

HUMBLE:  Come, come, Mrs Parsnip.  Clarity at all costs.   You know what they say: a clear mind is a . . . a . . .  A clear mind is . . . a . . . a clear mind, hmm?

MRS PARSNIP:  Yes, Mr 'umble.  [She now speaks very quickly, afraid of a further interruption]  It's about my son what's just left school and wants to start work and I wondered if you could 'elp 'im. [She takes a deep breath]

HUMBLE: Aah yes, Percy's older brother.

MRS PARSNIP:  No, Percy 'isself.

HUMBLE: Oh . . .  Well he's a little old not to have cut his teeth then, isn't he?.

MRS PARSNIP: Mr 'umble . . . let's ferget about Perce's teeth.

HUMBLE: [Smiling]: Certainly, Mrs P, ha, ha.  I'll forget about his teeth, ha, ha, but can he forget about his teeth?

MRS PARSNIP [Deciding to ignore Humble's side-tracking]: I was wondering if, maybe, 'e could work for you . . . [Her voice trails off.  She is a little shocked by her own temerity]

HUMBLE: For me, Mrs P?  In this office?

MRS PARSNIP:  Well, yes.  'e's a very bright lad and I thought if 'e worked for a fine gentleman like yourself, it'd broaden 'is mind and improve 'is manners.

HUMBLE [A little embarrassed]: Mmm, I don't know Mrs Parsnip . . .  Apart from the question of the money . . .

MRS PARSNIP [Interrupting]: Well, we couldn't afford to pay much.

HUMBLE: [Unaware, for the moment, of the interruption]: I mean, it's really a one-man office, and while an assistant would be very nice . . .  Hmm?  What did you say?

MRS PARSNIP: I know it's a bit cheeky.  But I'm sure 'e'd be very 'elpful.  And I'd clean your office for nuffink . . . and . . . 

HUMBLE [Beaming]: Say no more Mrs Parsnip.  I'll be delighted to teach your youngster the tricks of the trade.  We'll turn him into a Paul Temple in no time.  There's plenty here for him to get his teeth into.  Ha, ha.  Yes by all means tell him he can come and work for me.

MRS PARSNIP:  I'll do better than that.  You can tell 'im yourself. [She goes to door and calls out]  Perce.  Perce.  [We hear scuffling footsteps O.S. which approach the office door and then stop.  Mrs Parsnip puts her head out]  Now you com in 'ere, Perce, and let Mr 'umble see you.  And be a good boy and do what 'e tells you.  [She turns to face Humble]  I'll leave 'im with you Mr 'umble.  Thanks a lot.

SHE EXITS AND WE HEAR HER PUSHING PERCY INTO THE ROOM "Go on, 'e won't bite yer"  AFTER A MOMENT PERCY ENTERS THE ROOM AND THE DOOR IS CLOSED BEHIND HIM BY MRS PARSNIP.

PERCY PARSNIP IS A WEEDY SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD, WITH AN UNTIDY MOP OF HAIR, A SLIM-JIM TIE AND DRAINPIPE TROUSERS.  HE TAKES TWO STEPS INTO THE ROOM AND STANDS THERE, SLOUCHING, HIS EYES FIXED ON HIS TOECAPS.

HUMBLE:  So, my lad, you want to be a private investigator?  Well there's nothing to be ashamed of in that.  It's a very honourable and skillful profession.  [He stares at Percy, who continues to study his shoes] Yes.  Well, tell me, my boy, who's your favourite hero?   [Percy maintains his silence]  Come, come, you surely have one.  Well . . . who is it?  Sexton Blake  . . . Sherlock Holmes . . . eh, eh?

PERCY [Not looking up]  Marty Wilde.  [He speaks in a whisper]

HUMBLE: Wilde . . . ?  Wilde . . . ?  Not Oscar, I suppose.  Haven't heard of any other Wildes.  I suppose he's one of those Americans.  What they call a shamus, eh?  My word, but you're shy, aren't you?  We'll have to do something about that.  The first rule for a successful private investigator is to be a good mixer, a man-of-the-world.  Otherwise you'll never get people to talk to you. . .  Never mind.  You'll learn, when you've studied my methods a bit . . .  Right, Percy, we'll give you your first assignment, I think.  Come over here my lad.

PERCY SHUFFLES OVER TO HUMBLE'S DESK.  MEANWHILE HUMBLE IS HUNTING THROUGH HIS POCKETS, SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING.  HE BRINGS OUT A SHEAF OF PAPERS AND SORTS THROUGH THEM, UNTIL FINALLY HE FINDS THE SHEET HE WANTS. HE PLACES THIS ON THE DESK, SMOOTHES IT OUT AND POINTS TO IT.

HUMBLE: Now, Percy, your first job will be to go out and fill these requirements.  [He pushes the paper towards Percy.  Percy looks at it and then, for the first time, looks at Humble.  Miraculously there is a half-smile on Percy's face] Study them carefully and don't make any mistakes.  Remember: accuracy is the hallmark of the successful private eye . .  I'll leave it to you where you get them, but pay particular attention to item three.  You must follow the exact description.  Got that?

PERCY: [Studying the list] Yes, Mr Humble.

HUMBLE [Looking at Percy with mock-severity]: And we must find a more appropriate title for you to address me by.  Now . . . [He feels in his trouser pocket]  Money . . . Have you any money, Percy?

PERCY: Yes, Mr Humble.

HUMBLE [Frowning]: No, it just won't do . . . Anyway, while you're out you can also buy a petty cash voucher pad.  Then you can get your money back out of the petty cash box.

PERCY: Okay . . . [Hesitantly] . . . boss.

HUMBLE [Delightedly]: Very good, Percy.  That's the right touch.  [Percy walks to the door]  Oh, and Percy . . .

PERCY [Gaining confidence]: Yes, boss?

HUMBLE: While you're about it, you'd better buy a petty cash box.

PERCY [Grinning]: Right boss.  [He opens door]

HUMBLE: Percy!  [Percy turns round] Let's see you smile again.  [Percy grins, revealing a mouthful of teeth]  Amazing, amazing.  I'd swear those teeth were real . . .

MIX TO: FILM CLIP.  EXTERIOR.  DAY. 

IT IS THE MAIN ROAD OUTSIDE HUMBLE'S OFFICE BUILDING.  A MAN IS HURRYING ALONG THE PAVEMENT, CASTING FREQUENT GLANCES OVER HIS SHOULDER.  THIS IS ALF MCMURROW, KNOWN AS "THE ACE", OR ACE MCMURROW, AS A TRIBUTE TO HIS CRACKMANSHIP.  HE IS AN OBVIOUS CRIMINAL TYPE: SWARTHY FEATURES, STOCKY BUILD, SLY MANNER.  IF THIS ALONE WERE NOT ENOUGH, HIS GARISH HAND-PAINTED TIE WOULD SOON IDENTIFY HIM AS A CANDIDATE FOR A POLICE LINE-UP.  HE CARRIES A SMALL PACKAGE.

SUDDENLY HE SEEMS TO SPOT SOMEONE BEHIND HIM.  HE HESITATES A MOMENT, THEN DASHES ON, TO STOP ABRUPTLY AS HE NOTICES SOMEONE ELSE TURNING THE CORNER AHEAD AND COMING TOWARDS HIM.  BOTH THE MEN HE HAS SEEN ARE HEAVILY BUILT, WEARING BELTED RAINCOATS.  HE STOPS DEAD, GLANCING FIRST ONE WAY THEN THE OTHER, IN A PANIC OF INDECISION.  SUDDENLY HE MAKES UP HIS MIND AND DISAPPEARS INTO A DOORWAY.

CUT TO: INTERIOR.  HALLWAY OF OFFICE BLOCK.  DAY.

THROUGH THE STREET SWING-DOORS DASHES ACE MCMURROW, NOT LOOKING WHERE HE IS GOING.  AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT, PERCY PARSNIP IS APPROACHING THE SWING DOORS FROM THE INTERIOR OF THE HALL.  THEY COLLIDE, AND THE PACKAGE MCMURROW WAS HOLDING DROPS TO THE FLOOR.  PERCY QUICKLY RETRIEVES IT.

MCMURROW [Angrily.  He speaks with a mock American accent]: Hand that over.  [One hand has been plunged under his jacket]

PERCY [Handing him the package]: Sorry, mate, I'm sure.

MCMURROW: Yeah, yeah.  Beat it.  [He is studying the nameplates of the building's tenants on the wall]

PERCY: Can I help you?

MCMURROW: What? [He glances at Percy, then back at the nameplates]  Yeah.  Maybe so.  Where do I find this Humble guy?

PERCY: Oh, that's where I work . . .  [Proudly] I'm his assistant.

MCMURROW: Okay, kid, so you're his assistant.  Now where do I find the guy?

PERCY [A little dashed by the apparent lack of enthusiasm over his announcement]: Third floor.  Last door on the left.

MCMURROW: Right.  Now take a powder, kid.

MCMURROW HASTENS DOWN THE HALLWAY TOWARDS THE LIFT.  PERCY LEAVES THE BUILDING.

CUT TO: EXTERIOR.  DAY.  FRONT OF OFFICE BUILDING.

WE SEE PERCY HURRY DOWN THE ROAD AS THE TWO RAINCOATED MEN CONVERGE ON THE BUILDING EXTERIOR.

FIRST MAN: Did you see where he went?

SECOND MAN: I'm not sure.  He seemed to disappear around here somewhere.

FIRST MAN: That's what I thought . . .  Think he went in here?

SECOND MAN [Looking around]: I don't see where else he could have gone.

FIRST MAN: Right.  Then he must be in there somewhere.  There's no other way out.  We'll take the place office by office.  You work the right hand side and I'll take the left. Okay?

SECOND MAN: Roger.  And we'd better start from the bottom up.

FIRST MAN: Huh?

SECOND MAN [Carefully]: Otherwise, while we're on the top floor, he may sneak out from one of the lower floors.

FIRST MAN: Naturally.  I'm not stupid.

SECOND MAN: Oh  . .  Sorry.  But watch out.  He's supposed to be armed.

FIRST MAN: Right.  Let's go.

THEY ENTER THE BUILDING.

MIX TO: INTERIOR.  DAY.  HUMBLE'S OFFICE.

HUMBLE IS STUDYING SOMETHING IN A LARGE ENCYCLOPAEDIA

HUMBLE [To himself]: I still think it was a geriatus gronopolis . . . [There is a sound as the outer office door opens and quickly shuts]  That cigarette ash must have been dropped by Mrs Parsnip.   No . . . no . . . that can't be right . . . she wasn't smoking a cigarette.  [He frowns]  Now, what was she smoking . . . ?

WE SEE THE INNER OFFICE DOOR OPEN AND MCMURROW'S HEAD APPEARS ROUND IT.  HE GLANCES QUICKLY AROUND THE ROOM, SEEMS REASSURED, AND ENTERS SWIFTLY, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.  HUMBLE IS NOT YET AWARE OF HIS PRESENCE.

MCMURROW: Humble?

HUMBLE [Starting]: Eh?  What, what? Humble?  Er, yes . . . that's me.  Horace Humble of Humble Investigations . . .  at your service, ha, ha.  Your humble servant, ha, ha, in fact, ha, ha . . .

MCMURROW [Coming up to the desk and thrusting his face towards Humble]: Quit making with the double-talk, bud, and listen to me.

HUMBLE: Certainly, certainly.  That's what we're here . . . errr . . . [His speech is effectively halted by McMurrow grabbing his shirt collar and tie, and squeezing.]

MCMURROW: Listen, I said. [He releases Humble]

HUMBLE: My, you're . . . [McMurrow threatens him again] . . . err, yes, what can I do for you, sir?

MCMURROW: A coupla guys'll be coming in here soon, looking for me.  Get it?

HUMBLE: Err . . . got it!

MCMURROW: They're a pair of dangerous hoods, get it?

HUMBLE: Ahah!  The Ku Klux Klan, ha, ha. [McMurrow threatens]  Er, got it, got it.

MCMURROW: Now I gotta top-secret, priority mission, see . . . [He taps the package] And I gotta come through with the goods, see . . ?  And you gotta cover for me.  Get it?

HUMBLE [Excitedly thumps his desk and jumps to his feet]: Got it!

MCMURROW [Pushing Humble back into his chair]: Quit the clowning.  I'll stay in here.  You get outside.  And stay there.  And get rid of those guys.  Oke?

HUMBLE: Err, doke!

MCMURROW: Okay.  And just so's we understand each other, there'll be a gat in my hand.

HUMBLE: Oh dear.  Will it want some milk?

MCMURROW [Puzzled]: Huh?

HUMBLE: Or, if you like, I'll ask Mrs Parsnip to look after it.

MCMURROW: Listen, bud, nobody looks after it but me.

HUMBLE: Very commendable, ha, ha, very commendable.  What sort is it?

MCMURROW: It's a Mauser, bud, and you know what that means.

HUMBLE: Oh yes, indeed . . .  But I don't think you need worry, ha, ha, we've no mice here.

MCMURROW [Scratching his head]: Say!  Are you screwy or something?  Now get outside.

HUMBLE: Certainly certainly, you can leave it to Humble, Mr . . . er. . . er. . . ?

MCMURROW: Smith.  John Smith.  Yeah, well I'm counting on you, bud.  And be prepared for them to spin you some kinda yarn, huh.  Like they're cops or something, and I'm on the lam.

HUMBLE: Ha, ha, don't worry, Mr Smith.  Lesson fourteen, section (c) of the Sherlock Holmes School of Criminology, ha, ha.  How to judge character.  I know an honest man when I see one . . .  Besides, I'd soon know it if you tried to bring a lamb in here.  You just put your trust in me.

MCMURROW [Patting his jacket]: Yeah . . . you and Betsy.

HUMBLE [Delighted]: What a sweet name for a cat. [McMurrow moves towards him threateningly]  I'm off, ha, ha, I'm off.

HUMBLE EXITS TO OUTER OFFICE.  MCMURROW WATCHES HIM GO, ONCE AGAIN SCRATCHING HIS HEAD IN BEWILDERMENT.

FADE TO: INTERIOR.  DAY.  HUMBLE'S OUTER OFFICE.

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR

HUMBLE: Come in, come in.

ENTER FIRST MAN.  HE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM, THEN APPROACHES HUMBLE.

FIRST MAN: I'm sorry to trouble you, but have you had any suspicious characters in here?

HUMBLE: Suspicious characters?  My word!  Only Mrs Parsnip, and she's suspicious of everyone.

FIRST MAN: No.  I'm looking for a man.

HUMBLE: So's Mrs Parsnip, ha, ha.  Ever since Mr Parsnip died, ha, ha.

FIRST MAN: I'm afraid you don't understand me, sir.  Has anything unusual happened in here today?

HUMBLE: Unusual.  [He seems to be considering]  Yes! [He grabs the man's lapel] Yes!  I found a geriatus gronopolis.

FIRST MAN: Eh?

HUMBLE: At least, I thought it was, but Mrs Parsnip insisted it was cigarette ash.

FIRST MAN [Running his hands through his hair]: I'm looking for Ace McMurrow.  Has he been in here?

HUMBLE: Now it's funny you should ask me that question.

FIRST MAN [Anxiously]: Why?  Have you seen him?

HUMBLE: No, ha, ha.  I've never even heard of him.

FIRST MAN: Now look, sir.  I'm a police officer and it doesn't pay to trifle with the law.

HUMBLE: You're telling me . . . you're telling me.  That's what I told Mrs Parsnip when she started flirting with the constable on the beat outside.

FIRST MAN: Please, sir, let's keep to the subject.  Ace McMurrow is a very dangerous man, and we have reason to believe he is sheltering in this building.

HUMBLE: Well there you are, then.  He can't be!

FIRST MAN: Why do you say that?

HUMBLE: It's not raining outside.

FIRST MAN [Getting frantic]: Oh, my God!

SECOND MAN APPEARS IN DOORWAY AND SURVEYS THE SCENE.

HUMBLE: Come in, come in.  We're having a splendid conversation.

SECOND MAN [Glaring at First Man]: What's going on here?  Does it take all day to ask a single question?

HUMBLE [Eagerly]: Ahah!  You make an interesting point.  Very philosophical.

SECOND MAN: Say, what's up with this joker?  [To Humble] I thought you were a private investigator.

HUMBLE: That's right, that's right.  Humble's humble service.  Are you looking for a detective?

FIRST MAN, BEHIND HUMBLE'S BACK, TAPS HIS FOREHEAD MEANINGFULLY AT SECOND MAN.

SECOND MAN: Now look, sir, I can appreciate a joke as well as the next man.  But there are limits.

HUMBLE: Yes, yes, very true.  As I was saying to . . .

SECOND MAN [Interrupting]: We are police officers, trying to perform our duty.  A safebreaker named Alf McMurrow is believed to be in this building, in possession of stolen property.

HUMBLE: Ahah!  [Pointing to First Man] He said the man's name was Ace.

SECOND MAN [Patiently]: So it is, sir.  He's called Ace because he's an ace cracksman.  Now is it possible he is in your other room?

HUMBLE: My other room, ha, ha.  There's no one in there but Betsy the cat and, possibly, geriatus gronopolis.

SECOND MAN [Wearily]: Well thank you, sir, for your assistance.  Please let us know if you see or hear anything.

HUMBLE: I'll do that.  I'll certainly do that.  And please let me know if you ever need a skilled and qualified investigator.  You can rely on Humble, you know.

FIRST MAN [Nodding towards Humble]: Should I . . . ?

SECOND MAN: No.  Let's clear out of here, before we both go crackers.

THEY LEAVE AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.  INSTANTLY THE INNER DOOR OPENS AND MCMURROW APPEARS.

MCMURROW [Approaching Humble and grasping his hand]: Say, bud, that was great.  I sure gotta hand it to you.  You're not as stoopid as you look.

HUMBLE: We aim to give service.

MCMURROW: Well you sure took those creeps for a ride.

HUMBLE: It was a pleasure.  I knew from the start they were imposters.

MCMURROW: Yeah . . . ?  Say, how did you figure that?

HUMBLE [Scornfully]: Hah!  They didn't even know your proper name.  They kept calling you Alf and Ace and McMurrow.  If they were policemen they'd remember a simple name like John Smith.

MCMURROW [He has started head-scratching again]: Gee . . . that's smart figgering . . . I guess . . . Say I could use a smart cookie like you.

HUMBLE: That's what we're here for, Mr Smith.  Our aim is to serve and our motto is . . .

MCMURROW: Yeah, yeah.  Don't let's go through that spiel again.  [His eyes narrow in thought]  Yeah.  Five'll get you ten those guys'll be hanging around, waiting to make a grab.  Chees, this is tough.  Five minutes more and I'd've delivered the packet.

HUMBLE: Say no more.  [He strikes a heroic pose]  Allow me to deliver the package.

MCMURROW [Impressed]: Yeah . . . that's smart . . . that's . . . [He starts to hand the package over, then pulls it away again, and once more his hand dives under his jacket]  Maybe a bit too smart, huh?  How do I know I can trust you?

HUMBLE [Drawing himself up] My dear sir!

MCMURROW [Waving his hands] Okay, okay.  But this packet don't go out of my sight.

HUMBLE: A very worthy attitude, if I may say so.  The people who entrusted you with their top-secret delivery are to be praised for their fine assessment of character.

MCMURROW: Holy mackerel!  Did you swallow a dictionary, or what?  Now, what's your usual fee?

HUMBLE [Reciting]: Ten guineas a day plus expenses for routine investigations.  Two guineas an hour plus expenses for taking statements from material witnesses.  One guinea an hour for . . .

MCMURROW [Interrupting]: Okay.  How about a five-spot for helping me to deliver the rocks . . . er . . . the packet, two blocks away.  Agreed?

HUMBLE: Willingly, happily.  And what about the cat?

MCMURROW: The cat?  What cat?

HUMBLE: The one you're hiding under your coat.  Betsy.

MCMURROW: Cat!  There ain't no cat.  You going screwy again?

HUMBLE: Oh dear.  Has the poor thing got away?

MCMURROW: Now look here.  Let's just forget about the cat, huh?  Get that tec's brain of yours on to getting me out of this spot.

HUMBLE: Nothing easier, my dear Mr Smith.  If you will just permit me to study the Sherlock Holmes manual for investigators, I'm sure a solution will readily suggest itself. [Goes to his inner office and opens his desk drawer.  McMurrow follows him.]

MCMURROW: Well get cracking.

HUMBLE [Pulling a large book out of the drawer]: Patience, Mr Smith.  You know what they say: A methodical mind is a . . . a . . . a methodical mind . . . eh? Now then, what have we here. [His finger runs down the table of contents]  Arsenic, arson, blackmail, burglary, cocaine, cosh, disguise, drugs . . . that's it, that's it.

MCMURROW: Come off it.  How're you gonna drug them?

HUMBLE: No, no.  Not drugs.  Disguise . . . I should have my special Sherlock Holmes disguise kit around here somewhere . . . [He hunts around the room and finally pulls a large box off the clutter on the corner chair.  He carts this across the room, drops it on the desk top and opens the lid.]  Ahah, the very thing . . .  Perfect, perfect. [He pulls something out of the box, turns his back on McMurrow and the camera, and fiddles with something on his face.  When he turns round he is sporting a large false nose.]  Who am I supposed to be? [McMurrow seems totally nonplussed; not by the disguise, but by Humble's chameleon-like behaviour.] You don't know!  [Humble slaps McMurrow's shoulder.] I'll give you a hint. [Sings] Dink-a-dink-a-doo-a-dink-a-doo . . .  [He is trying to imitate Jimmy Durante.  McMurrow, after unsuccessfully trying to stop him, pulls the nose on its elastic and releases it.  It springs back sharply against Humble's face.  He looks pained.]

MCMURROW: Now cut that out.  It's me you're gonna disguise.  Remember?

HUMBLE: Certainly, certainly. [Fumbles through his disguise kit]  Now what have we got here?

MCMURROW: And take a gander out of the window and see if those two dicks . . . er . . . hoods are still around.

HUMBLE: Right. [He picks up the telescope from his desk, opens it up, crosses to window and look out] Yes, they're still outside.

MIX TO: EXTERIOR.  DAY.  FRONT OF OFFICE BUILDING

THE TWO POLICE OFFICERS ARE LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.

FIRST MAN: He could've given us the slip.

SECOND MAN: No.  He's still hiding in there somewhere.

FIRST MAN: I don't see how we missed him then.

SECOND MAN: Well, we did.  But I'm sure we would've seen him if he'd tried to get out.

FIRST MAN: So what are we going to do?  Wait here all day?

SECOND MAN: Well, he's got to come out sometime, hasn't he?  Anyway we know he's got the jewels with him and we know the direction he was taking.  So it's obvious he was about to pass them on.

FIRST MAN: Brilliant.  So what?

SECOND MAN: So . . . So we give him another ten minutes and if he doesn't appear then, it's pretty certain he knows we're here.  Then we go round to the station and have them detail extra men to watch the known fences in the area, and to keep an eye out for him when he tries to make his contact.

FIRST MAN: [Lifting one leg and rubbing his foot against the other trouser leg] Fine.  In the meantime my dogs are killing me.

SECOND MAN [Grinning]: That's you all over, Clancy.  A gorgeous day, an open air job, and all you can do is complain.

CUT TO: INTERIOR.  HALLWAY.  DAY.

HUMBLE AND MCMURROW APPEAR FROM THE INTERIOR AND STOP BEFORE THEY REACH THE SWING DOORS.  MCMURROW IS WEARING DARK GLASSES AND A FALSE NOSE WITH A MOUSTACHE ATTACHED.  IN ALL OTHER RESPECTS HIS APPEARANCE IS UNCHANGED AND THE 'DISGUISE' ONLY SERVES TO MAKE HIM MORE CONSPICUOUS.  HUMBLE IS CARRYING A BRIEFCASE.

MCMURROW: Listen . . . You sure this is gonna work?

HUMBLE: I told you, Mr Smith.  The Sherlock Holmes School of Criminology awarded me a special prize for my mastery of the techniques of disguise.

MCMURROW: Yeah . . . ?  Well you better be right.

HUMBLE: Have faith in me, Mr Smith.  they'll never recognise you in that moustache and glasses.  And I'll be carrying the package in its own disguise.  [He pats the briefcase.]

MCMURROW: Okay.  But no tricks.

HUMBLE: Tricks, ha, ha. [He swallows]  No tricks.  Now, just remember what I told you to do.  I'll go out and distract the crooks and, when their backs are turned, you slip out, turn the corner, and wait for me.  Get it?

MCMURROW [Automatically]  Got it! [He thumps Humble's shoulder]  Now you've got me on that double talk.  Remember . . . if you make a sucker out of me . . . [He draws a finger across his throat.]

HUMBLE: Ha, ha.  Never fear - Humble's here.  Now don't forget.  I'll meet you round the corner.

EXIT HUMBLE THROUGH SWING DOORS

CUT TO: OUTSIDE BULDING

FIRST MAN [Looking at his watch]: Another five minutes to go.  And I'm getting hungry.

SECOND MAN: Well chew on this then: if we don't get McMurrow, you'll be lucky if you ever eat again.  Or sit down! [Humble approaches them]  Oh hell, here comes trouble if ever I saw it.

HUMBLE: Ahah.  How's the hood business?  [The two men look at him blankly] Still looking for Smith, ha, ha.  You can't fool Humble.  You see?  I've trumped your Ace, ha, ha.  Joke.

SECOND MAN: Now see here, Mr Humble.  We appreciate that you're just trying to help.  But I'm sure you've already told us everything you can.

HUMBLE: Aah, but that's where you're wrong.  You see that bookshop down there?  [He directs their attention away from the doorway.  As they turn in the direction he is pointing, we see McMurrow slink out of the building and sidle off in the opposite direction]

SECOND MAN: What about it?

FIRST MAN: There's not another exit to the building through that shop, is there?

HUMBLE: Another exit? Oh, my word, no.  But they've got a shelf of books in there that . . . well, if I tell you that Mrs Parsnip went in there the other day to buy a copy of True Hearts magazine, and she took one look, and . . .

SECOND MAN: Mr Humble!

HUMBLE [Innocently]: Er, yes?

SECOND MAN: If you don't mind, we'll hear the anecdote another time.

HUMBLE: Eh?  Oh, I see.  That's all right.  Humble can take a hint.  Good day to you gentlemen.  And good hunting.

HE STROLLS OFF IN THE DIRECTION TAKEN BY MCMURROW, WHISTLING THE DINK-A-DOO TUNE, WHILE THE TWO POLICE OFFICERS STARE AT HIM IN BEWILDERMENT.  WE FOLLOW HIS PROGRESS DOWN THE ROAD UNTIL HE TURNS THE CORNER.

CUT TO; EXTERIOR.  SIDE STREET.

HUMBLE REJOINS THE STILL-DISGUISED MCMURROW.

MCMURROW: Good work, bud.  Now you just lead me through these alleys.  I wanna get back to the main road about two blocks up.

THEY SET OFF.  CAMERA FOLLOWS THEM THROUGH TWO STREETS AND INTO AN ALLEYWAY LEADING BACK TO THE AIN ROAD.  SUDDENLY, AT THE END OF THE ALLEY, THEY SEE THE TWO DETECTIVES, WHO PAUSE WHILE ONE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.  HUMBLE QUICKLY PUSHES MCMURROW INTO AN OPEN DOORWAY AND FOLLOWS HIM.

CUT TO: INTERIOR.  DINGY HALLWAY.

MCMURROW: Gee, that was quick thinking, Humble.  Think they spotted us?

HUMBLE: I don't think so.

MCMURROW: Well we're taking no chances.  See if there's another way out of this place.

HUMBLE RAISES HIS HAND IN A GESTURE OF AGREEMENT, WALKS DOWN THE SMALL HALL AND DISAPPEARS THROUGH A DOORWAY.  AFTER A MOMENT THE DOOR RE-OPENS AND HUMBLE'S HEAD APPEARS.

HUMBLE: It's quite all right, ha, ha.  More than all right.  Couldn't be better, in fact.  You can come in.  You'll be quite safe here.

HUMBLE PUSHES THE DOOR WIDE OPEN AND MCMURROW WALKS THROUGH.

CUT TO: INTERIOR.  DAY.  POLICE STATION CHARGE ROOM.

A POLICE SERGEANT IS SEATED AT HIS DESK.  BEFORE HIM IS A COUNTER, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF WHICH IS A DOOR LEADING TO THE STREET ENTRANCE.  BEHIND THE SERGEANT, HUMBLE IS HOLDING OPEN THE DOOR THROUGH WHICH MCMURROW APPEARS.  IT TAKES MCMURROW SEVERAL SECONDS TO APPRECIATE HIS SURROUNDINGS, THEN A VICIOUS EXPRESSION APPEARS ON HIS FACE.

MCMURROW: Say . . . What is this?

HUMBLE [Closing the door behind him]: I thought you'd be surprised, ha, ha.  What a piece of luck, eh?  Ha, ha. You'll be safe now, Mr Smith.  Those crooks wouldn't dare touch you here.  And what safer place for this?  [He drops the briefcase on the Sergeant's desk]

MCMURROW: Why you dirty, double-crossing little . . . [His mouth sags as the two police officers appear through the other door]  Okay, coppers, this is where you get yours. [His hand plunges once more under his jacket, this time to reappear with his gun.  Humble approaches him from behind and calmly removes the gun from his hand]

HUMBLE: Really, Mr Smith, you don't have to defend yourself here.  They won't dare try anything.  That's why we pay our taxes. [McMurrows mouth is working foolishly, but no sound comes out.  Humble turns to the sergeant] Officer, I want you to arrest these two men.  They're dangerous criminals.  Members of the Hood Gang.  [Turning to McMurrow]  That's right, isn't it? [He turns back to the sergeant who is sitting in open-mouthed amazement]

FIRST MAN [Crosses to Humble and takes the gun from his hand and the briefcase from the desk]  I'll just relieve you of these.

SECOND MAN [Crosses to McMurrow and grabs his arm]: And I'll just take care of you.

HUMBLE [To police sergeant]: Are you just going to sit there?  Arrest those men.

SERGEANT: That's Inspector Loft and Sergeant Clancy of the CID, sir.

HUMBLE: Well, who's this man?

SERGEANT: That's Alf McMurrow, sir.  Suspected of stealing Lady Bickerstaffe's jewels last night.

MCMURROW [Bitterly]: Master of disguise, hah! [He pulls the nose and moustache from his face and throws them at Humble.]

HUMBLE: Oh . . . ! [His face is a pathetic mixture of dismay and embarrassment.  Suddenly he smiles]  Good work, ha, ha, good work, Sergeant.  Just wanted to make sure you had your wits about you, ha, ha. [He turns to the two detectives] There you are, then.  No gunplay, ha, ha, and no bloodshed, ha, ha, and you've got your man.  Well I'll be off, ha, ha.

HE WALKS TO THE COUNTER AND LIFTS THE FLAP.  ONE OF THE DETECTIVES TAKES HOLD OF HIS ARM.

SECOND MAN: Just one minute, Mr Humble.  We've got some questions to ask you.

HUMBLE: Oh . . . !

MIX TO: INTERIOR.  DAY.  HUMBLE'S OFFICE

PERCY PARSNIP ENTERS THE OUTER OFFICE AND PASSES INTO THE INNER OFFICE.  HE CROSSES TO THE DESK, ON WHICH HE PLACES A SMALL PACKET, A PETTY CASH BOX AND A VOUCHER PAD.  HE SITS IN HUMBLE'S CHAIR, PICKS UP THE MAGNIFYING GLASS AND AN IMAGINARY OBJECT, THEN PUSHES THE CHAIR BACK, PUTS HIS FEET ON THE DESK, AND PROCEEDS TO EXAMINE THE IMAGINARY OBJECT THRUGH THE GLASS.

PERCY: It's a geri-whatsit grono-thingummybob, ha, ha.

HUMBLES VOICE [O.S.]: Percy!

PERCY JUMPS.  THE CHAIR SLIDES BACK AND HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

PERCY [Picking himself up]: Yes, Mr Humble . . . er . . . yes, boss?

HUMBLE [Entering the office]: Ah, there you are, Percy my boy.  Have you made all your purchases?

PERCY: Yes, boss.

HUMBLE: Good, good.  Let's see . . . Cash box and vouchers and . . . ah yes . . . the special assignment.  No difficulty?

PERCY: No, boss.

HUMBLE [Opening packet]: Well let's take a look.  Ha, ha!  [He checks off the contents of the packet] Ham, egg, tomato, cheese, anchovy, pickle.  Excellent, Percy, ha, ha.  We'll make an investigator of you yet. [He pulls a sandwich from the packet.]

PERCY: Thank you boss.  But boss, something's bothering me.

HUMBLE: Well go on, my boy.  Get it off your chest.  If you don't ask, you won't . . . er . . . er . . . ask, will you?

PERCY: Well, boss, I bought everything, and I've written out a voucher.  Now what do I do?

HUMBLE: Why, you put the voucher in the box.

PERCY [Hesitantly]: I see . . . but where do I get the money from?

HUMBLE: Why, out of the box, Percy.

PERCY: But there ain't no money in the box boss.

HUMBLE: Excellent, excellent, Percy.  That's the right approach for a private investigator . . . the deductive approach . . .   The box is empty, ergo, the box contains no money, ha, ha.  Good work, my boy.  Keep it up, ha, ha.  You know what they say: an alert mind is, er . . . er . . . etc., eh?

PERCY LOOKS HIGHLY PLEASED WITH HIS BOSS'S PRAISE, BUT AT THE SAME TIME SLIGHTLY PUZZLED, AS IF HIS QUESTION MUST HAVE BEEN ANSWERED, BUT HE CAN'T QUITE FATHOM THE ANSWER.

HUMBLE PUT THE SANDWICH TO HIS MOUTH AND WE CLOSE ON HIS FACE AS HE TAKES THE FIRST BITE.

FADE OUT.