In
the days when I co-counselled regularly one of my major concerns with the
technique and practice of the activity was based on the observation that
practitioners seemed regularly to discharge the same material; frequently they
fell into a pattern involving the use of the same words, body language and
behaviour, and often re-evaluated the experience in the same or a similar way.
This used to bother me,
because if I wanted to regard co-counselling as a self-help therapy, I believed
that – to justify the title – it should demonstrate a reasonably lasting
therapeutic effect.
Subsequent exposure to other
forms of self-help (and even guided) therapy revealed that this chronic
behaviour pattern was not unique to co-counselling; this was not particularly
reassuring. Nor was the recognition
that I was not alone in my concern and that a body of thought in the
co-counselling community – and outside – was dedicated to tackling this
apparent paradox.
Most systems of self-help
(whether aided or not) are based on the interruption of patterns of thought or
behaviour. When I interrupt the
pattern, I am freeing myself for discharge.
Now, although my distress is rooted in the past, the act of discharge is
taking place in present time; my hurt is being arrested in present time; my
past distress is being neutralised . . . in present time. Unless I can find a way of avoiding a
recurrence of the distress pattern, I am condemned continually to discharge
it. I need a formula that will enable
me to recognise the pattern in the first place, and to identify what it is that
triggers it off.
My personal system of
handling the problem has been to combine the techniques of co-counselling with
the therapeutic methods of other disciplines.
I don’t know how successful this has been, even though I’m quite happy
with the results. Perhaps it is for
others to determine. But I retain the
conviction that the marriage of theory such as that of NLP or TA, the
therapeutic methods of, say, yoga or attitudinal healing, with the techniques
of co-counselling or gestalt must have more merit than mere repetition of
patterns of discharge and/or celebration.
My methods involve the use of targetting, goal-setting, action
planning, and reprogramming.
Our patterns result from our
programming. We can choose to sink in
them or try to overcome them. I don’t
know of a single self-help therapy which does not place emphasis on choice. “Try contradicting that remark,” is a
standard co-counselling intervention.
In other words, try choosing the opposite.
So what happens when I
direct my targetting towards the exercise of choice? Let’s face it, the only thing I can be sure of changing is my
internal experience. I can’t change what
others are doing, I can only change my perception of what they are doing to
me! This involves the exercise of
choice. I can choose to feel that I am
being harmed, or I can choose to feel that what someone else is doing, they are
doing to themselves, not to me. Only I
can do something to me.
The value of my choice
process is that I can acknowledge all the ways I can achieve my intentions and
choose which way will bring it about. I
can thus free myself from my dependence upon my demands being satisfied in
order to feel secure, or happy, or at peace.
My action planning consists
of establishing my requirements. What
are my aims? How will I know when I
have attained them? What might I try to
do to sabotage? How can I modify them
with the exercise of choice? Can I
choose different aims? Can I choose to
re-evaluate my aims and revalidate myself?
Finally reprogramming. I can look at what I am demanding and
recognise that I do not need it – that I already have all I need. I can change my demands in such a way that
they can be easily satisfied. I can
decide what it is I want to do, how I want to appear to myself, how I want to
react to others, how I want to interact with them. I can develop ways in which to feel relaxed: by learning yoga
techniques, by deep breathing to rid myself of tension, by teaching myself
relaxation techniques, by reprogramming my reactions.
I can learn to ask for what
I want rather than remain in fear of what I might be offered. I can choose to ignore those things about
myself, others, or situations, which currently snarl me up, immobilise me, feed
my addictions, reinforce my distress patterns.
I can choose what I want.
I can choose to be me.